An Only Child’s Musings!

If you are a middle class Indian in your fifties, it is unlikely that you are the parent of a single child. If you are in the forties or late thirties most likely you have only one child. Those in the early thirties or about to get married might be pondering what the best is.

Though I do not remember, my wife says that we discussed and decided to have only one child on our wedding night twenty two years ago – a decision about the wisdom of which is questioned even today. There have been times when we have wondered whether we did any injustice to our child by denying her the opportunity to have a sibling. Though she has never asked for a little brother or sister, we were not sure about how she really felt.

She is now grown up, doing her fourth year at the National Law School of India University, Bangalore. A recent article in The Hindu extolling the virtues of having many children touched a raw nerve and prodded her to send a quick rejoinder to the editor. I would like to share a slightly edited version of that letter (the original was a tad acerbic). Perhaps it might reassure those of you who have taken the bold decision to have only one child and encourage those of you who have not yet decided. Here it is:

Dear Sir,

This is in reference to the article "Just One Child" (Young World, The Hindu, Friday, September 14, 2007).

Not only was the article ill-informed it was also very badly researched and might have been better suited to the temperament in existence in the 1920s. Obviously, the author is unaware of the body of research in existence proving that, if anything, only children seem to cope better with their lives than children with siblings.

In an overpopulated country such as ours, instead of extolling the virtues of having multiple children and cursorily addressing benefits of single child families at the end of that atrocious article, it would have bode well for the readers and for our country to be told that having only one child would be far better than going ahead with more children.

Being an only child, I have, not once in my life, EVER thought even one of those things that that the author seems to think 'only children' habitually muse about. (I did not miss going shopping with a sister and I love shopping with my mom), I have never missed having a sibling and in fact, felt badly for my friends who did have siblings. I distinctly remember my classmates turning sullen and acting out in class after the birth of a sibling and they have always envied me at being an only child. Surely, being a "pediatric counselor", the author might have come across such cases or maybe she only entertains cases of the odd 'only child' who is "sociologically" [sic unhealthy. May be the article was based on Adler's Theory that 'only children' have no rivals for their parents' affection as a result of which they may be pampered and spoiled by their parents, particularly the mother. This theory was disproved in 1987 in a quantitative review conducted by Dr. Toni Falbo who is a professor of educational psychology in the College of Education and faculty research associate in the Population Research Center at The University of Texas at Austin. She has devoted about 30 years to myth-busting, focusing on only children and one-child families. Her exhaustive research has led her to doubt the credulity of many birth order pop-psych books (and articles) on the market these days and also to be the most-often quoted expert in the world on a topic that continues to foster lively debate.

A lot of my friends are only children and none of us has ever missed the presence of a sibling in our lives and in fact, think that siblings would have rather marred our childhood experiences. All of us enjoy extremely strong relationships with our parents and have never felt "crowded emotionally and spatially" My own parents are more like my best friends and we talk about everything under the sun, be it sex, politics or just day-to-day mindless banter. This is something that I can say, more from personal experience that children with siblings do not enjoy. I can't wait for the day that I will have to look after my parents as they have looked after me. They have always, even at the age of two, treated me with respect and have never mollycoddled me.

I think what bothered me the most about the article is that it attempts to discourage parents from having just one child. The author seems to think of it as an aberration. Instead of promoting it, she has turned her article into the various disadvantages of having one child with just a cursory glance at what only children are actually capable of. I would think that being an 'independent, self reliant high achiever" with "sound verbal skills" and an ability to "interact with adults well" and having a "leg-up academically" thereby doing "well at school and later in the workplace" pretty much sums up the well adjusted, successful human being. In 2007, it is no longer the exception, rather the norm to have an only child and I am very sure that I will definitely not have more than one child. But that's thanks to the fact that I don't get influenced by articles worthy only of the trash can.

Yours sincerely,
--
B Krishnan (Ms.)
NLSIU - Bangalore

It is indeed a great relief to learn that she is not holding any grudges against us for denying her a sibling! However, I must say that I agree with the author of the article that “raising a single child requires different skills and procedures”. It applies as well to parents raising more than one child!